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Blog and the Auto-Health-Story Generator

Two new finds have taken the limelight today amidst all of the ongoing health related discussion concerning Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ health.

jobsThe first site which is cleverly titled, is phrased as a letter directly from Apple CEO Steve Jobs to the crazed journalists tracking his every move. In a nutshell… The website reads:

This goes out to all you “journalists” tracking my health with your daily updates.

Leave me the fuck alone
and let me get better.


The second shimmering nugget of news happens to be this clever Steve Jobs news story generator done by the folks over at, (thanx to CultofMac for pointing us to this one). In case you’re not sure what to write about Apple CEO Steve Jobs, or his health issues, simply follow this template.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs May Have ______

Doctors familiar with medicine say that Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who began a six-month medical leave of absence this week, may be suffering from ______.

If true, the condition is far more serious than Apple has previously let on. It could sideline the “World’s Most Important” CEO for longer than he has indicated, or keep him from returning to the Apple helm at all.

Jobs was treated for pancreatic cancer in 2004, and told investors that he had made a full recovery. Nonetheless, his public appearances during 2008 made it clear Jobs was rapidly losing weight, spurring fears that his cancer had returned.

A letter Apple released on January 5 said that Jobs was suffering from a “hormone imbalance. Eight days later, the CEO said his problems were “more complex” and that he would leave the company until June to have them treated, sparking more speculation that Jobs is fatally ill.

”Given his history with pancreatic cancer, it’s impossible to rule out ______,” said Dr. ____, [insert doctor’s title here]. “Cancer can have side effects throughout the body, including in the ______ system. The information he’s provided is just too vague. Only his doctors know for sure.”

The painful surgery Jobs reportedly underwent in 2004 could also have side effects, according to Dr. ______, [insert second doctor’s title here]. “While these procedures are generally safe and well-understood, there’s always the possibility that the body will eventually have problems with such a radical change to the system. If he’s not producing the right hormones [or “enzymes” or “proteins”], it could put stress on the ______ and eventually lead to weight loss and, if not corrected, death.”

While Apple has a deep bench of talent to run the company in his absence, investors and analysts alike speculate that without Jobs at the helm, the company will [eventually/rapidly] decline into the same moribund state it was in before Jobs returned to the CEO’s seat in 1997. Under his watch, Apple released mega-hit products like the iMac, the iPod, and the iPhone, all of which Jobs personally invented while refusing to take credit.

”His long-term absence puts the company’s future in jeopardy,” said ______, an analyst for [insert name of analyst’s Wall Street firm]. “Apple’s in a great position now, and Steve will be involved in major decisions while on medical leave, but if he stays gone longer than six months, or doesn’t come back at all, it’s possible that Apple will again fade into irrelevance. The company really needs a leader that the media can fixate on, because they’ve proven they won’t pay attention to the products without a personality behind them.” [You might have to cut that last sentence for “space” reasons, being a media person yourself who knows that sometimes good quotes have to be cut.]

Jobs, an unnecessarily private man, refused to comment for this story or to release full medical records at our request.

Comments [1]

One Comment to “ and the Auto-Health-Story Generator”

elementaryfinance @ January 19th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
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Yes, these are great finds. They have made their way around the net today and I can’t agree more. Jobs is not in control any more and that has been priced in to the stock to a large degree. Now leave him alone.